she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
