hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
