Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
