hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
