You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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