At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize