Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
