Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize