you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
