I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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