Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
