meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
