Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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