Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
