i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
All the doctor said was why
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize