i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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