if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
