He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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