I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
