three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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