the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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