he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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