and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
