I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
