i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
