May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize