she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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