Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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