I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
