I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
