i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
