is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
