Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
