I hate all girls vehemently.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
