You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize