3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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