Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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