i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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