So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
