So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
