the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
How external is "for external use only"?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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