You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
