batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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