Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
