First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
