We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
