I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
