i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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