I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
