So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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