I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
