yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
