Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
this just has baby written all over it
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
