happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
