Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
