Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
