Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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