Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
4 words: hood of his car
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
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