just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
