he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
