woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
my sisters under your porch take her home
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
