if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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