This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
