I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
