Umm I'm too high to move.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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