How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
