She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
