Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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