My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He better not be in your backpack
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
