I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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