Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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