she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Text me some of your sweat
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